never too late to win
The signs were there since kindergarten. My middle child, Brett, hated going to school. Hate is a strong word, but an appropriate one. Brett didn’t just whine and moan about it like many kids. The school year started out fairly well. He liked his teacher and classmates. However, after a week long Thanksgiving break, he began refusing to get out of bed, get dressed and go to the bus stop. And I truly mean refused! I would have to remove him from his bed, dress him, carry him down to the bus stop, where the bus driver (bless her heart) would put the bus in park and come take him from my arms, carry him to a seat, and resume her route to school. It didn’t get better once he arrived at school – the Assistant Principle would meet the bus and hold his hand all the way to his classroom. This process lasted several weeks until Brett finally gave in and accepted that children go to school and that was a fact of life.
From Kindergarten thru 4 th grade, we had no more problems. He was a very good student, well behaved, had many friends and his teachers had nothing but good reports. All was well. Until 5 th grade. He got a teacher who, honestly, just didn’t seem to like him. I know that sounds like I’m making excuses. But his 4th grade teacher actually told me that she had noticed over the years that “athletic boys just don’t do well in her class.” Brett was an athletic boy! It wasn’t long before he started having trouble sleeping; he’d be awake most of the night, falling asleep from shear exhaustion often times around 5 a.m.! I soon noticed a pattern – it occurred some nights during the week, every Sunday night, and never on weekends. He definitely dreaded going back to school Monday mornings.
My husband and I met several times with the teacher in an effort to get to the core issues. In hindsight, we should have had him placed in another classroom, which was offered. But we wanted Brett to persevere and have a good outcome. We knew there might be times in the future that he’d have a similar situation with a boss or another teacher and we wanted him to be able to work through the problem not just avoid it. Seeing how the following years played out, I believe we should have pulled him.
The middle school years were quite awful! Brett continued to have sleep issues even though he was at a new school with new teachers he enjoyed. He was a popular kid with many friends, well liked by his teachers and coaches. It was during these years that we noticed two changes: he began neglecting his schoolwork and he didn’t want to go to school…again. These years were a struggle for Brett, and for me! Almost daily I would get texts from him imploring me to come and sign him out. “Come get me, I can’t stand it here.” “This is so stupid, we’re watching a movie again, come get me.” “I have a terrible headache, come get me.” “I didn’t sleep last night, come get me.” It was so stressful! It got to the point that I mostly ignored his texts. When I’d see him after school, he barely mentioned the texts, and acted quite normal. My husband works from home so Brett always got himself up and off to school with little complaint. But if my husband was out of town or at an early meeting, I could count on a problem. Brett would refuse to get up.
One time, after many visits to his room and many words exchanged, I returned to his room to find him gone! It was much too late to catch the bus so I was pretty sure he wasn’t on his way to school. I jumped in the car, and a quick trip around the neighbor showed no sign of him. So I headed out on the main road, not bothering to head towards school, I turned in the opposite direction. I found him about 2 miles away walking down a very busy 4 lane road! I pulled to the shoulder and asked him if he wanted to get breakfast. I don’t recall our conversation, but it wasn’t about school. This happened towards the end of 8 th grade and was the last really big blow out.
Once in high school, I felt my husband and I had an Ace in our hand that Brett could not beat. And he knew it. Brett played football for his school. If he didn’t go to school, he didn’t go to practice, and certainly not a game. That was our hard and fast rule-no exceptions. Plus, absences would come to his coaches attention and he didn’t really want to involve them in this matter. This all played in our favor, but he was still neglecting his school, doing just enough to get by, but far below what he was capable of. Brett is a very bright kid and was largely able to coast through school with very little effort. But his sophomore year he met a perfect storm: Algebra 2 + little effort + a terrible teacher = failure.
We decided a tutor was necessary and a friend gave us a reference. She was an excellent teacher and Brett responded well to her. As I got to know her over the next couple of months, I learned she had been an engineer but through a turn of events found herself homeschooling her children. Now she ran a homeschool co-op with another former engineer homeschooling mom. They were math and science geniuses! I was impressed at how much Brett was learning from her and that he liked going to their sessions.
One particularly exasperating day with Brett, I sternly told him, “If you don’t get it together, I’m going to homeschool you!” I don’t know where that came from because I have NEVER EVER wanted to homeschool my children. My older daughter would have been a dream to homeschool but she loved all aspects of school – so it never occurred to me. Brett and my younger son were two high energy, all-boy, tumbleweed kind of boys – so it never occurred to me. So why this came out of my mouth only God knows. But more surprising was Brett’s response…”Ok.”
What?? NO! I had to teach this boy what an empty threat was, because this was it! It was, wasn’t it? I spoke with my husband about this that night. We knew many families at our church who homeschooled, so we decided that we would speak to each family and see how this homeschooling thing worked. It was eye opening and a little overwhelming to say the least. Each family had a unique homeschool experience. So there wasn’t a clear map on how it should be done. Luckily our state is very homeschool friendly and we received much good advice on how to get started. We decided Brett would start homeschooling his Junior year. My younger son was more excited for this than anyone in our family so we decided he would start his 8 th grade year despite having loved going to public school.
The change we saw in Brett was amazing but also heart wrenching in many ways. He took his math and science classes at the co-op with his tutor, he took some Dual Enrollment classes at the local community college, and he did some curriculum at home to round out his Junior and Senior years. He never complained about going to classes at the co-op or the community college. He started sleeping better, his grades improved, and he was all-around happier and more content. I mentioned how the changes we saw in Brett were heart-wrenching.
You, the reader, may be asking yourself, ‘Why did you not start homeschooling Brett in Kindergarten? Or at least in middle school? So much drama could have been avoided, the sleep issues, the behavior issues.’ I’ve asked myself these questions. My honest answer is, It never occurred to me. In talking with Brett about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that neither of us was ready to homeschool… until we were. It may have been that God was preparing us all those years. And we had great success! But it still pains this mother’s heart to think had I explored homeschooling early on; I may have saved Brett some pain and frustration, and our family, too! There were some tough experiences we endured. Looking back, I consider this one of my all-time biggest parenting wins because I corrected course late in the game.
Some of you may think this is a parenting fail, knowing Brett was unhappy but keeping him in traditional public school for 11 years and only homeschooling the last 2! But I see it as a win because it showed Brett that we were willing, at whatever stage in the game, to make a huge change in his life and ours, all for his benefit. It would have been far easier to tell him to stick it out for 2 more years. I think he saw how much we loved him, wanted the best for him, and were willing to sacrifice for him. I believe this because he and I became so much closer, our relationship has been so much stronger ever since.
*Brett went on to graduate college and has begun a career in the Navy. My younger son is in his Junior year of college, where he is on the football team. Homeschooling in no way limits your child’s future. And I am happy to report that both my sons plan for their future children to be homeschooled - and I just may be their teacher!