to say no or not to say no!

You may have been told that telling your child “no” will defeat them, deflate them, or lower their self-esteem. You may be like me where you are curious if there is anything wrong with letting your kids do things other parents have rules about. Is bedtime really all that important? Is it alright to let them have sugar or drink soda? Should you let them have unlimited screen time? Do they really have to clean their toys up or make their bed? Who is really going to hurt anyway?

 I’m a bit of a maverick when it comes to parenting. I am positive we broke every rule possible. We had all-night parties when school wasn’t in session. We at dessert before dinner a few times. And we even opened all of the Christmas presents on Christmas Eve – only once. But I found the kids typically wanted to try things once and see if there was really freedom involved, and when they discovered that it wasn’t all they expected, they were fine not repeating the process.

 But the word NO was very present in our home. No, you may not hit. No, you may not drive at age 14. No, you may not sleep with the new puppy. A wise friend once gave me incredible insight. There is nobody who wants to see our kids be brats, be out of control, or throw temper tantrums. Nobody else thinks our kids are cute when they are naughty, and nobody wants to hear them scream in a grocery store. That means we need to practice saying no, and they need to practice following instructions. Not negotiating. They need to stop, fix the behavior, and move on. Here’s the best part of the wise counsel: Nobody wants to deal with a child who wasn’t told “no” by the people who should have been saying “no” – their parents. Their boss, their friends, their spouse, their own kids, the police, their teachers… All of these people will appreciate your child and respect their willingness to have corrected behavior. That means they do need to hear “no” – from you.

 It might sting for a moment, but kids need to get in the practice of responding when someone critiques them. There will be safety moments that are essential in life. There will be educational moments that are about knowing what to do when someone gives important instructions. And there will be peer experiences where they are told “no.” When someone else tells your child “no,” it can’t be a melt-down moment. That means each time we tell our kids “no” now, we are preparing them for interactions with others – for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t have to be said in an unkind, screaming, or threatening way. You don’t need to negotiate with them. You don’t need to bargain or explain why they must obey. You need an agreement with your child that says, “I will tell you “no” when it really matters, and I will try to say “yes” as often as I possibly can. You need to respond when I say “no,” and respect those words. The more often you respond well to “no,” the better our relationship will be, and the more often I can say “yes.”